Be vewy, vewy quiet. It's a Silent Division final

Invaiders, Spread Beaters pummel ST Division opponents as they move on to the JSFL title clash

Justin Jackson was the perfect replacement for Austin Ekeler, scoring a team-high 26 points

TUESDAY UPDATE: Alvin Kamara scored a whopping 5 points for the Band Aids on Monday night, sealing their fate in the playoff loss to the Invaiders.

Yeah, Bob, I know you still have Alvin Kamara playing tonight. So it's technically not "over."

Only I am saying it's over. Done. Finito. Turn out the lights.

Kamara would have to score 51 points to force a tie (both quarterbacks scored 20... what's after that?). But only two players have ever scored 51 or more in the storied 36-year history of the league, and neither of those guys are named Kamara (Clinton Portis, 54 points in 2003; Doug Martin, 51 in 2012). There's no possible way Kamara scores more than 50 against Miami. His high game this season is 24 (in Week 5). Last week he scored 2. (Last night he scored 5. Ouch).

So congratulations to the Invaiders, who advanced to the final for the first time since the Pleistocene Era with a 115-69 win over the Band Aids. Vern Ahrendes' reigning Silent Division champs will take on division rival Matt Pringle and the Spread Beaters, who whalloped the Blazing Saddles 114-56. Upon further investigation, Vern last made the finals in 2012 and had the indignity of losing to the Gerbils, when Chuck Nelson won his one-and-only league title. Vern also had the further indignity of pulling two-thirds of a Buffalo Bills threepeat, losing in the finals in 2004 and 2005 (to the Pack and Pokers, respectively).

Meanwhile, Pringle has been more successful lately when he's reached the championship round: he's 1-0, having beaten the Band Aids in his only finals appearance in 2015.

This is the first All-Silent Division final since 2011, when Chris Zimnoch's Recliners won the first of his three titles with an 86-83 upset of the favored Rangers. It was a bitter disappointment for John Lambert (who is not reading this), as his team finished with league's best record (11-3) in the regular season, averaging almost 91 points per game.

Of course you're wondering how the Invaiders and Beaters did head-to-head this season, and of course JSFL Today has answers.

Vern won a tight-as-you-can-get 105-104 decision in Week 5 despite Lamar Jackson. Remember when Jackson was A) Playing and B) Could score 42 points in a game? He scored 42 in this one but his fumble trying to score again would cost the Beaters the win. Austin Ekeler led the balanced Invaiders charge with 29 points.

The teams clashed again in Week 14 with the Invaiders rolling to a 130-109 win behind Devante Adams' 24 points and another 24 from free agent defense pickup Kansas City. Tennessee's defense led the Beaters with 21.

Invaiders 115, Band Aids 69: Vern's free agent prowess was on display again in his playoff opener against Bob Garcia's Band Aids. Justin Jackson, Vern's handcuff replacement for Covidiot Austin Ekeler, scored 26 points and Adams added 23. Cooper Fucking Kupp only scored 10, what the hell is wrong with him? Kyler Murray had a horrible real-life game as QB of the Cardinals (and his team lost to the Colts) but he still managed to score 20 points for the Invaiders. Aaron Rodgers, limping around with a broken toe, managed to score 20 to lead the Band Aids, but he was the only one to score more than 11. The Invaiders, meanwhile, were piling up on Bob. Only TE Dallas Goedert scored in single digits, posting a 2.

Beaters 114, Saddles 56: The only thing that went wrong for Matt Pringle is his playoff opener was his defense -- the Patriots got routed by Buffalo and scored a -4. The rest was all good news, led by QB Dak Prescott's 38 points, 23 from RB Nick Chubb and 18 from TE Mark Andrews. Thankfully for Blayze, Dallas called off the dogs in the second half of their 56-14 blowout win over Washington on Sunday night -- Prescott had scored 32 in the first half alone. Blayze, who was playing rope-a-dope with the league by having Jonathan Taylor on the bench until right before game time, did put Taylor in but only got 10 points from the star RB, and 5 of those 10 came on his first carry of the game. The Arizona defense was able to keep Taylor under control and out of the end zone the rest of the game.