Titanic battle looms like iceberg as Packers, Tirades square off in early-season ST Division clash

The two remaining unbeaten teams square off this week as the Pack and Tirades face each other. Is it the battle of the titans? Well, it’s only week three, but… if you take a look at the winner’s plaques on the Steve Brown Memorial Trophy, the two teams you’ll find the most are the Packers and the Tirades (and yes, as Jeff Lambert likes to point out, in THAT order).

BREAKING NEWS: The Gerbils got some seriously bad news in the first quarter Thursday night as their keeper RB and general overall stud Christian McCaffrey pulled a hammy after catching a swing pass in the left flat. The severity of the injury has yet to be determined, but it closed the line on the Gerbils-Recliners battle. Chuck got 25 from QB Sam Darnold but only 3 from McCaffrey's brief appearance and the Recliners are now favored by 2 (85-83).

But back to the big showdown of the week. The schedule always pits The Pack and Tirades against each other in Week 3 and again in Week 14, the final week of the regular season. The Pack have won the last seven meetings overall and the Tirades last victory was in Week 3 of 2017, the last time they made the playoffs. The last two seasons aside (in what I like to call “the bullshit pandemic season” of 2020, the Pack won a pitiful 59-43 decision as both teams finished out of the playoffs, and the Tirades were awful in 2019 while the Pack made it to the final), the Week 14 meeting has been especially painful for the Tirades of late… the Packers have won the last five, made the final twice and won a title. This week, the Tirades are favored. That should complete the jinx, and expect another Packers victory.

Packers QB Josh Allen is hoping to get back on track this week and keep his team unbeaten

Tirades (-16) vs. Packers: The Packers have been very busy swimming in the free agent pool this week as Jeff Lambert realized that both ESPN and most of the other owners in the league were completely full of shit after early draft analysis had them pegged for an 8th-place finish (that has since been upgraded to a not-so-impressive 7th, even after a 2-0 start and the second-most points scored in the league).

Jeff has improved his receiving corps with Rondele Moore and Mike Williams and is still searching for a backup TE for Noah Fant. The latest candidate is Maxx (two Xs! So hip.) Williams of AZ. He’s still looking for a RB and QB named Williams to fill out his backup crew, so be aware of trade offers Gerbils (Ty’Son Williams) and Tirades (Javonte Doug Williams Williams) unless Jeff decides to again dive into Andy Williams

the free agent pool for Detroit’s Jamaal Williams.

Some bad news for Jeff: QB Doug Williams (left) retired in 1989, and Andy Williams (right), whom he sought to sing the national anthem before home games, died in 2012. The good news if the Tirades hope to break their streak of ineptitude: They are hoping for (possibly) two TDs from RBs Dalvin Cook (below) and Clyde Edwards-Helaire, since both have their best matchups of the early season, going against Seattle (worst defense vs the run) and the Chargers (27th worst), respectively. WR Adam Thielen looks to score for the third consecutive week and WR DK Metcalf will go against the Vikings looking to find the end zone again. QB Patrick Mahomes goes against the leaky Chargers secondary (ranked 31st in the league). Also, K Harrison Butker goes against the crappy Chargers. Oh, wait, Jeff’s favorite team is the Chargers? So sorry. The Packers counter with a solid lineup that, despite the oddsmaker’s early line, could keep his win streak over the Tirades intact and his team unbeaten. QB Josh Allen (above) is prime for a breakout game, RB Aaron Jones is coming off a massive performance on Monday Night Football (but going against a strong SF defense) and RB David Montgomery has been solid. WR Deebo Samuel has blossomed in 2021 into a dependable starter (this is the reason I traded for him last season!) and Noah Fant looks like he should be considered among the top tier TEs. Can’t go against recent history here. Packers by 4.

Tirades hope Dalvin Cook can rush for two scores this week, they'll almost surely need it.

Recliners (-2) vs Gerbils: Hey! Anyone other that Chuck Nelson (and me) notice that the Gerbils have outscored the rest of the league? Well, they have. And they’re for real. So get used to it. The main reason? His RB crew. He traded to get stud Christian McCaffrey as his keeper and drafted Chris Carson, who has been a battering ram near the goal line. But as we know, McCaffrey scred 3 points Thursday before heading to the medical tent (and likely the IR) with a strained hamstring. That alone was enough to turn the tables on this one, so the Gerbils will need another huge game from WR Amari Cooper, who is on his way to the best season of his career (barring another Dak Prescott disaster). The Recliners counter with ageless QB Chris Carson

Tom Brady, who might end up throwing 30 TD passes they year

after he’s dead, and RBs Ezekiel Elliott and Joe Mixon, who finally is living up to hype from four years ago and averaging 13 points a game (the jerk). Can the Recliners take advantage of the McCaffrey gap? Probably. Recliners by 1.

You want a free signed jersey from Austin Eckler? Well, you should have drafted him before Vern did. Oh, and then win the league.

Invaiders (-5) vs. Saddles: Vern’s got a win two games into the season, so he’s back off the window ledge and paying attention. Having Kyler Murray at QB this season will do that, since he’s averaging 33 points a game, which is almost half of what the entire Saddles team has been throwing on the board each week. Blayze is hoping his RBs kick things into gear: both Jonathan Taylor and Najee Harris have underperformed so far, but that can’t last forever, right? Same goes for QB Jalen Hurts, who’s only going to get better. Will that start to happen this week? Maybe. Will Invaiders WR Cooper Kupp keep scoring 22 points a week? No chance. Will his RB Antonio Gibson score in double digits? Maybe. Will his other RB, Austin Eckler, lead Vern to a win and perhaps a title? Who knows. But Vern will get an autographed jersey from him if he does. Invaiders by 12.

Beaters (-14) vs. Consortium: This is the only other divisional battle this week (other than the Tirades-Pack) as the two perennial Silent Division contenders go head-to-head. The Baker Mayfield experiment is officially over for the winless Pillow Biters, who have moved on to the Texans QB… or have they? Tyrod Taylor is hurt and out, and rookie Davis Mills (who?!?) will start tonight against what has been Davis "Who Dat?: Mills

2021’s toughest defense, the Carolina

Panthers. Dare we say that Baker Mayfield looks like a better option this week? OK, I’ll say it for the first and perhaps only time ever: Go with Baker Mayfield. We expect the usual from QB Lamar Jackson and RB Nick Chubb and a big game from WR Stefon Diggs to lead the Spread Beaters in this one. Beaters by 20 if Mills starts at QB; Beaters by 7 if Baker starts.

Band Aids (-1) vs. Rangers: Another Silent Division team that has started 0-2, John Lambert’s Rangers look to get into the win column this week against brother-in-law Bob Garcia and his Band Aids. John’s hoping for some breakout games this week from WR Justin Jefferson (vs Seattle) and TE George Kittle (vs. Green Bay), both of whom have been pretty quiet so far. QB Justin Herbert is also due for a a game to bump up his (horrible!) 14-point average. Meanwhile, the Band Aids are hoping QB Aaron Rodgers does not regress against the 49ers, but he is Justin Jefferson looks for more scoring 1-4 in his last five starts at SF. The Band Aids are getting great work from WRs CeeDee Lamb and Tyler Lockett. Oh, and he has Alvin Kamara at RB. Look for Rodgers play against the Niners to decide this one and I’m a Niners fan so… Rangers by 3.