First sign of the Apocalypse? Invaiders are champs

Vern Ahrendes pulls a Boston Scott out of his ass and his Invaiders beat Matt Pringle's Spread Beaters 108-87 for 2021 JSFL title

Free-agent pickup Boston Scott scored 19 for the JSFL champion Invaiders last weekend.

This should silence all those climate change deniers out there. As difficult is it is to actually type this sentence, the Invaiders are JSFL champions. That means that the Apocalypse is nigh. Hell has frozen over. Dogs and cats are living together. It's mass fucking hysteria.

It's Vern's first title since rope was invented. Seriously, I can't remember the last time he won a title and I don't care enough to research it. It was probably in the Jurrasic period. But as he did all season, Vern lucked out on timely free agent pickups: last week it was Chargers RB Justin Jackson. This week, he decided to sit RBs Antonio Gibson and Elijah Mitchell (a 49er! benched! the horror!) and started (gasp!) Boston Scott instead. Now, many of us have tried using Boston Scott in the past. The result, based on my foggy recollection, was usually a single digit that totaled less than five points. This weekend, though, Boston Scott was Knute Fucking Rockne. He posted a 19, and that was almost the margin of victory on its own. To be fair, Mitchell, given up on by his 49ers fan owner, did score 18 on the bench -- but Vern would have played Gibson over him anyway. We all know this.

The final result was really not in doubt after Sunday's play, but it was made official on Monday night by Cleveland's stunningly inept offensive game plan against the Steelers. Yes, those same Steelers that allowed 200-plus rushing yards to Minnesota's Dalvin Cook just three short weeks ago. Instead of running the ball against Pittsburgh's steel sieve of a run defense, the Browns decided to pass on 75% of their plays against the team that produces the most sacks in the National Fucking Football League. That left Spread Beaters ace running back Nick Chubb mostly idle on Monday when Pringle needed him the most. In the fourth quarter, he'd rushed for a mere 58 yards on a paltry 12 carries... and when the Browns did have the ball at the two with a minute to play, down by two scores but with three time outs, did they give Chubb the ball? Hell no. They threw a pass.

Kyler Murray turned in another solid performance for the Invaiders, scoring 22. And the Cardinals actually won the game, too!

The Invaiders produced another balanced effort to earn the victory. They got 15 or more from five players, led by QB Kyler Murray's 22. Vern made himself eligible for a signed Austin Ekeler jersey by starting the Chargers RB, who scored 16. WRs Davante Adams (19) and Cooper Fucking Kupp (15) were also in double-digits for the Invaiders.

Dak Prescott's 24 points were left on the bench in favor of some backup in Baltimore. Said Prescott, "Why draft me if you're not going to play me? Jesus, Matt!"

While the Invaiders were scoring their usual 100+ points, Pringle helped do himself in with some questionable lineup decisions. He started Ravens backup QB Tyler Huntley against the Rams (Wow!). Huntley scored 10, while Dak Prescott produced 24 against Arizona while on the bench. He started (really!) Antonio Brown at WR over Mike Evans, and I think we all know how that played out. (If you were asleep under a rock last weekend, Brown left the Bucs-Jets game in the third quarter in dramatic fashion after scoring 2 points. Evans had 10.)

To be fair, Pringle did have the pickup of the week, and that's saying something given that he was up against Chicago Phil or Philadelphia Fred or whatever that bozo's name is... he grabbed RB Rashaad Penny off the waiver wire and got 30 points in return, his highest scoring player in the final. Unfortunately for the Beaters, they had only three other starters scoring in double-digits: kicker Justin Tucker had 15 Rashaad Penny, en route to 30 fantasy points.

(because the Baltimore QB sucked and they

could only get field goals), Pats defense with 12 and the aforementioned shitty Baltimore backup QB with 10.

The order has gone out to get the engraving done on the 2021 title plaque for the league's Steve Brown Memorial Trophy, and we'll make sure that Ahrendes is misspelled. Congrats, Vern! And Happy Fucking New Year, everybody!