Case Keenum, Ben Johnson try to say "f--- you, Matty from Natty"
Bears third-string quarterback steals a rushing TD from D'Andre Swift, appears to cost Who Dey the victory
If you don't get any e-mail, texts or other responses today from Matt McCumber, there is a probably very good reason. He's recovering from last night's thrilling, win-then-lose-then-win finish against Vern Ahrendes and the Invaiders.
Matty's undefeated season nearly went up in smoke last night. A senior-citizen, third-string quarterback stole a touchdown from his last player going for the week, Bears RB D'Andre Swift, in the final six minutes of the MNF game.
Case Keenum, the third-stringer that's the toast of ChiTown today, executed an octegenarian quarterback sneak in the waning moments against the Eagles, putting the game on ice and also icing Swift and Matty's Who Dey in the same moment. Swift was in the backfield, poised for a one-yard scoring plunge that would give Who dey a come-from-behind win, when Keenum — selfish bastard that he is — took the snap on a quick count and dove into the end zone for the victory-capping score.
But then the man who taketh away -- Bears coach Ben Johnson -- giveth as the clock counted down, handing the ball to Swift again and again as the Bears ran out the final moments of the fourth quarter. Swift ended up with 8 points, three of which came in the final three minutes, which was enough to bring Who Dey into a 90-90 tie with the Invaiders. Who Dey won it on the QB tiebreaker as his hero, Joe Burrow, scored 23.
Vern? He's seething. He won't be answering calls or texts or My Space page messages either, and he knows it's not Ben Johnson's fault. Or Case Keenum's. It's because of his bizarre man crush on Justin Herbert. You see, Vern had Herbert on the bench late last week. Up until Sunday morning, before the early game kickoffs, the Chargers QB was on the bench in favor of Jacksonville's Trevor Lawrence. We all can relate, and we all have faced similar game-day lineup decisions that have cost us wins. And of course Herbert did not bounce back from his first two weeks off lackluster play in Mike McCarthy's new offense, scoring just 12 points (as he did in Week 1). And of course Lawrence would have won the game for the Invaiders, scoring 17. Ouch. But that's only the tip of the Invaiders season-derailing iceberg this week. They also lost first-round pick RB De'Von Achane for the season. More about that later.
The only other game that was remotely in doubt had two winless teams fighting to see who could remain winless. WTNE was fighting off the Spread Beaters with RB Saquon Barkley going on Monday night. Down 84-67, Jordan Garcia was well within striking distance with one of the league's best backs going. And it looked promising in the first quarter, as Barkley ran wild and had six points at halftime. But he scored only two in the second half, much to the relief of Matt Pringle and the Beaters.
Injury update
Before we go to the game-by-game recap, here's the Week 3 injury report: As mentioned, Invaiders top pick Achane went down for the season with a torn ACL. Yes, the Achane who had started 44 of his first 50 NFL games. reached for comment, Vern said something that cannot be published on this family-friendly web site.
Anyway, if you want to add insult to injury and steal the handcuff back from Vern — and also like having the RB1 for a shitty team on your roster — pick up Ollie Gordon III or Jaylen Wright.
WTNE lost QB Baker Mayfield for at least a month with a dislocated thumb.
It looked like the Gerbils lost WR Mike Evans to a broken rib, but the injury may not be as serious as it appeared. He's day-to-day.
The Rangers, coming off a loss to brother in law Bob Garcia and the Band Aids, lost RB Breece Hall to a thigh injury. He's expected to miss at least one game, possibly more.
WTNE lost keeper WR Justin Jefferson to an ankle injury in the second quarter Sunday, but he might not miss this week's juicy start against the Dolphins.
The Recliners welcomed back TE Brock Bowers, who scored 17 in his first start of 2026.
Week 3 results
Gerbils 125, Recliners 94: Keeper RB Jamyr Gibbs led four Gerbils (2-1) in double-figures with 33 points as Chuck Nelson's team bounced back from a Week 2 loss in a big way. QB Tyler Shough added 25, TE George Kittle had 20 and RB Kenneth Walker III had 19 for the Gerbs. Chris Zimnoch had five players score in double-figures but still watched his recliners (0-3) fall for the third consecutive week. QB Lamar Jackson had 20, aforementioned Bowers had 17 and RB Jeremiyah Love added 16.
Tirades 124, Packers 82: The Tirades (2-1) also had a bounce-back win and five guys in double-figures, led by backup QB Brock Purdy's 30. They even got 16 from K Harrison Mevis, who scored a total of 5 in his previous two games combined. RBs Derrick Henry (20), Christian McCaffrey (17) and Ashton Jeanty (8) helped lead the w2ay and the Tirades even got 15 each from WRs Tee Higgins and Christian Watson. The Packers (2-1) were led by keeper RB James Cook with 20.
Who Dey 90 (23), Invaiders 90 (12): We already recapped the pain and ecstacy of this one earlier. Bijan Robinson led the Invaiders with 32 and the Jags defense had 16. For Matty, he was almost done in by his Bengals (other than Burrow): the Cincy defense posted a donut. RB Chase Brown had 6. He did get 11 from K Evan McPherson. Keeper WR Jaxon Smith-Njigba led the team with 24. The ESPN site still has this one as a tie this morning but I'm sure that commish will correct the standings soon. Who Dey is one of two remaining unbeaten teams. And the other, more undeserving of the two?
Band Aids 87, Rangers 76: Bob's Band Aids (3-0) have won all three games despite averaging under 100 points a game. They have the fourth-most points in the league, trailing two teams (Tirades and Gerbils) that have a loss. But I digress. Bob won despite an off game from QB Josh Allen, who didn't score 30 for the first time this season (he had 17). He got a shocking 16 points from WR Garrett "I'm Still Here, MFs!" Wilson and 15 from RB Javonte Williams. In a week that he was poised to score an upset win, John Lambert's team coughed up a hairball. RB Hall (5) left in the first half with the thigh injury. Backfield mate Bucky Irving could only manage 5. Even keeper WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (7) underperformed.
Beaters 84, WTNE 75: In the game no one wanted to watch, two winless teams did not end this one in a tie. Matt Pringle's season is now on life support after the win, as he still has a pulse. Jordan's WTNE is flat-lining and it might be time to pull the plug on 2026 and start planning for 2027 as his team has scored a league-low 206 points through three weeks and has not even been able to manage a 70-point average. Pringle, meanwhile, got 18 from backup QB Jordan Love, 13 from WR Davante Adams and 11 from resurgent TE Travis Swift (see what a good marriage can do for you?). At some point he might even start RB Bayshul Tuten, who has scored 26 in his last two games. Jordan got 19 from WR Drake London and 18 from QB Dak Prescott.
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