Who Remains Unbeaten? Winless?

Garcia first to ring the bell on waiver day; Can the elite QBs bounce back this week?

Bob Garcia was the first hand on the waiver-wire buzzer on Tuesday, winning the Puka Nacua lottery.

Well, well, well, someone finally beat Matt Pringle to the first waiver-wire grab on Tuesday. I guess that means Bob Garcia is going to win the league. God help us all. And, Matt, you are fired.

Or, at least that is the story us beat writers at “JSFL Today” will spin to make it sound like we knew what we were writing about last week. For anyone keeping tabs at home, the staff (more like ESPN prognosticators) went 5-0 in Week 1. But, we also know the betting analysts did not go out on a limb and try to pick any upsets. We will wander out on that precarious limb this week. What fun is there in picking favorites?

In the aftermath of his convincing rout of the Invaiders, Garcia was poised over a computer mouse button as the clock struck 10 a.m. to drop a claim on Week 1 scoring sensation -- Rams WR Puka Nacua, or what we might call “Cooper F*ckin’ Cupp, 2.0.”

Pringle dropped the transaction hammer a few seconds later and claimed Atlanta RB Tyler Allgier (who snaked two TDs from Bijan Robinson). The Tirades then cleaned house with three straight moves – grabbing Baltimore RB Justice Hill, 49er kicker Jake Moody (yay, 9ers!) and Carolina TE Hayden Hurst.

The Packers also made three Tuesday moves, grabbing Rams RB Kyren Williams (the other Week 1 scoring sensation), Texans RB Tyjae Spears and Philly RB Kenneth Gainwell.

Also, on Tuesday, the first trade of the season cleared as Blayze started his 2023 fire sale early (a possible JSFL record, if my foggy memory is right; I can’t remember a Week 1 dump like this before) moving WR Calvin Ridley to Jordan Lambert for Marquise Brown and Jordan’s first pick in 2024. In our baseball league, that is tacit acceptance that Jordan and Blayze both plan to be around (and should prepay Bob his winnings now) for next season.

And, before I dive into the previews for Week 2, I just have one thing I need to get off of my chest. Screw the Band Aids! Screw the Band Aids! Screw the Band Aids! OK, I feel a lot better now.

Four undefeated teams will be squaring off this week, meaning only two have a chance to enter Week 3 with two wins. On the flip side of that coin, four other winless teams look for win No. 1. The Lamberts (there are so damned many of them in this league now) face off as the Packers and WTNE* face off in one battle of the undefeateds. In the other battle of unbeatens, the Band Aids and Recliners do battle. The third winner from Week 1, Pringle, we know will remain undefeated as he faces Blayze’s “Byes” this week. So, let’s dive in.

One quick reminder (Oops! Too late) we had one Thursday game (Philly hosting Minnesota) and have not one but two Monday games (New Orleans at Carolina and Cleveland at Pittsburgh). Adjust those lineups accordingly.

Packers (1-0), WTNE* (1-0); Packers favored by 1: This is the marquee “Game of the Week,” and (is it too early to predict) might be a potential preview of the playoffs. The prognosticators give a slight edge to the Packer QBs (Josh Allen, if he shows up this week) and Ja’Marr Chase. The acronym team gets the nod with Christian McCaffrey, Rachaad White at flex and the recently traded for Ridley. Every other position is a coin flip. Never bet against the Commissioner. It is unhealthy and a good way to end up broke. Take the Pack, and 5.

Recliners (1-0), Band Aids (1-0); Band Aids favored by 2: Bob should get the real Patrick Mahomes and TE Mark Andrews on the field this week and, if they show up, this one might be over in those two matchups. Chris counters with the hope that Travis Kelce plays and has the advantage in the backfield (Tony Pollard and Aaron Jones). Come on, who’s with me? We all want to see Bob bitchin’ about something. Take the Recliners to pull off the upset.

Spread Beaters (1-0), Blazing Saddles (0-1); Beaters favored by 12: Blayze has one chance – that David Montgomery goes off Sunday against the visiting Seattle Seachickens. So, you are saying Blayze has got a chance? Who in their right mind would bet Blayze in this one? Not me. Take the Spread Beaters and maybe as many as 20.

Invaiders (0-1), Gerbils (0-1), toss up: This game likely comes down to whether RB Austin Ekeler (ankle) is a go/no go Sunday morning against Tennessee and which quarterback shows up Sunday (the Joe Burrows and Lamar Jackson that played last week or the one the owners hope they should be). If Ekeler starts, the Gerbils have a chance. If not, the Gerbils will be scrambling to field a team this week. Ekeler did not practice Wednesday and we likely won’t know more until today or Friday’s practice before boarding a plane for Nashville. The two quarterbacks square off in Cincy. With Ekeler in the lineup, the Gerbils have the advantage. Without, the advantage swings to the Evil Empire. We want to keep the bitchin’ going, so let’s have Chuck winless when this is over. Or Vern. We’re good either way. The bitchin’ will be loud either way. Take the Invaiders by 1.

Rangers (0-1), Tirades (0-1), Rangers favored by 12: The only things we can count on is taxes, death, Bob folding in the clutch, and the Rangers beating the punchless Tirades. Woof. This one looks like a real dog. The Rangers, if they show up, are heavily favored. Unless Tirades-hired hitmen take out Jalen Hurts, Josh Jacobs, Justin Jefferson and George Pickens, they don’t stand a chance. Take the Rangers and 15.

*Worst Team Name Ever