Tirades drop a bomb, trade for Kupp, Kelce

Invalids get first-rounder, a conditional secondary pick, WR Joshua Palmer, some Likely backup tight end and a six pack of Olympia beer

The Tirades mortgaged their 2023 future to take a shot at a title in 2022, filling two key positions with WR Cooper Fucking Kupp (left) and TE Travis Kelce (right).

OK, that tremor you felt this week in the force was not another earthquake on the San Andreas Fault, but Tirades’ owner Ron Hender pushing all of the chips into the middle of the table and calling, “All in.” He mortgaged this season, and next year’s draft to land two new play toys -- WR Cooper Kupp and TE Travis Kelce in the biggest moves of the season to date.

It might be the end of the world, as we know it. Or, it could be the shrewdest move Hender has pulled off in the last five seasons. He landed the two key pieces in a trade with the defending champ, the Invalids. Kupp was Vern’s keeper this season, and Kelce was his first-round pick.

To land Kupp and Kelce, Hender gave up his first-round pick in 2022 and a conditional pick depending how well the rest of the season unfolds. The second pick, at worst, is his third-rounder in 2022 if he wins it all. If he reaches the finals but loses, it becomes his fifth-rounder. At best for the Tirades, it is his seventh-rounder if he makes the playoffs or not. It was the third draft pick the Tirades have sent the Invalids’ way since the draft. Back in September, he sent his 10th-rounder for WR Brandon Aiyuk and the Jacksonville QBs (since dropped to waivers). The Invalids get throw-ins WR Joshua Palmer, TE Isaiah Likely and a six pack of Olympia beer.

Olympia Likely Palmer

While currently holding a first-place tie with the Blazing Saddles and Pack, the Tirades’ chances to make a deep run in the playoffs look to be improving. His odds of winning in Week 10 just improved exponentially with this trade. The Tirades already were 10-point favorites over the hapless Band Aids, but with the additions of Kupp and Kelce those pre-game odds improved another 8 points.

Elsewhere, Bye Hell continues with four more teams – the New England, the New York Jets, the Baltimore Ravens and the Cincinnati Bengals -- on bye this week and a fifth, the Indianapolis Colts, and possibly a sixth, the Green Bay Packers, absent without leave from the NFL landscape.

The Colts fired their head coach and named Jeff Lambert, I mean Jeff Saturday, as named interim coach for the Colts. Saturday, like Lambert, has no previous head coaching experience at the NFL or college levels. The futility of the Colts’ offense leaves any Colt basically unplayable until further notice.

Same goes for Green Bay. With the exception of RB Aaron Jones, any Green Bay player comes with a “caution, don’t play me” warning label.

Game of the Week

Gerbils (-4) vs. Saddles: Will the Saddles finally bite the bullet and bench Justin Herbert for Tua? That is the one question looming over Saddles’ camp as Week 10 counts down. And, it could be the biggest decision Blayze has to make if he wants to stay in playoff contention. Five teams are clearly in the grinder for the four playoff spots, and three more teams lurk within a game of the Saddles to spoil things. Herbert was a buzzy preseason favorite to be among the leaders in QB scoring, but Tua of Miami has been outscoring him regularly over the past few weeks. The safe floor is to continue sending out Herbert. The bigger, upside risk is to start Tua. And, as of press time Wednesday, it appears Blayze is going for the upside risk. Tua is slotted to start ahead of Hebert. The bye week appears to be hampering Chuck more than Blayze. The Gerbils lose the Bengals QBs, while Blayze will have to shoulder on with out WR Tyler Boyd this week. Chuck went dumpster diving and snagged former Band Aid Kirk Cousins as his starting QB this week and Blayze looks to be giving De’Andre Hopkins the start opposite Mike Evans at WR. The RB combo of Christian McCaffrey and Austin Ekeler for the Gerbils appears to be the edge the Gerbils will take into this weekend. Blayze will roll the dice with two struggling RBs – Jonathan Taylor and Aaron Jones. What points he gives up in the ground game, Blayze hopes to overcome with Tua. This is the second-tightest spread on the schedule this week. We hate to bet against any 49er. Take the Gerbils and 3 and a bigger dog pile atop the STer Division.

The Rest of the Best

Packers (-2) vs. Rangers: The third team in that first-place mire in the STer Division, The Pack, looks to hand a beat down on his brother in the Lambert Battle Royale II. This is the tightest spread on the schedule this week as ESPN gives the Del Mar Pack a 2-point edge going into the Thursday night thrill fest between Atlanta at Carolina. Yawn. A key piece of the Ranger roster this week, RB D’Onta Foreman, hopes to score early and often against the sieve that is the Carolina defense. The biggest unknown at presstime is the availability of star QB Josh Allen for The Pack. He damaged his throwing elbow in the waning moments of the Week 9 thriller with the Jets. If Allen can’t answer the bell, backup Chase Keenum gets the start, yikes, for The Pack. His backup, Marcus Mariotta, plays Thursday so Jeff, not the coach of the Colts, will have to make a decision early and run with it. Any advantage The Pack has, with or without Allen, is at RB with Josh Jacobs and Dameon Pierce. The Rangers have the edge at WR with Justin Jefferson and DaVante Adams. The Rangers are also benching Matthew Stafford at QB for Las Vegas’ Derek Carr. Double yikes. ESPN gives the Pack a 2-point edge in this one. If Allen goes Sunday, take the Pack. If it is Keenum, take the Rangers and 5

Tirades (-21) vs. Band Aids: This one could easily move into potential “Blowout of the Week” territory but that special space in hell is left for the Invalids for the rest of the season. Hender wasted no time sliding Kupp in alongside Stephon Diggs and Kelce into the starting TE spot along with Patrick Mahomes at QB. Mahomes to Kelce. What more needs to be said. Rinse and repeat and the Tirades are headed for a 20-point win this week. Hender is so confident it appears he will bench RB Dalvin Cook for Cordarrelle Patterson running against that aforemention sieve that is the Carolina defense Thursday night. The game Garcia, despite his 2-7 record, still was active on the waiver wire this week and rolled the dice to grab Chicago QB Justin Fields, who dropped 40 points against Miami last week. He is looking for similar production and a bundle more from disappointing RBs Najee Harris and David Montgomery (jeez, even the Invalids gave up on him). Not much punch remains in the Band Aid receiving corps as Detroit WR Amon St. Brown looks to repeat his end-of-season magic from 2021 opposite Tyler Lockett, who travels from Seattle to Munich to play this week. Garcia is dealing with Mark Andrews, who is on a bye this week, and grabbed Denver TE Greg Dulcich off waivers. Not even Ron can screw this one up. Take the Tirades to cover the 20-point spread.

Spread Beaters (-3) vs. Pillow Biters: If Jalen Hurts does that voodoo that he normally do, this one should be over, albeit with some nervous moments Monday night. Four running studs in the league will square off in this one. Former Biter Derrick Henry will team with Kenneth Walker III against the Pillow Biter tandem of (former Spread Beater) Nick Chubb and Alvin Kamara. Whichever tandem wins that battle probably wins this game. Pringle still has one move to make before Sunday morning. Both of his defenses – New England and Baltimore – are on vacation this week. He will have to waive one, most likely Baltimore, before games commence Sunday morning. And surely someone will pounce on that waived defense come Tuesday. Once the new defense is in place, take the Spread Beaters and 8. And Matt, kiss that other defense bye-bye.

Blowout of the Week

Recliners (-20) vs. Invalids: Do we really have to play this one? Anyone scheduled against the Invalids the rest of this season should be just given a “bye” and advance to the next week of play. So, instead of delving too deeply into this shit show, we will spend a few minutes discussing what was the talk of the fantasy world last week – Joe Mixon’s 50-point game for the Recliners. The scoring barrage – 5 TDs in total – was the 12th-most by any running back since at least 1950, and he could delivered more if he has not been pulled in the second half of the blowout against those aforementioned sieve that is the Carolina Panther defense.

According to ESPN, the 11 performances that topped Mixon include a who’s who of NFL standouts and a couple of headscratchers that came out of nowhere. In the modern era (I am talking since fantasy football dominated the landscape and when this league started in the last 1980s), Jamaal Charles of the Chiefs takes the prize at 59.5 points against Oakland in 2013. He was followed by Clinton Portis in 2003, Alvin Kamara in 2020, Shaun Alexander (my personal favorite as he was an Invaider at the time) in 2002, and LaDainian Tomlinson (a Packer) in 2003, Priest Homes in 2002, Chris Johnson in 2009 and Doug Martin in 2012.

Looking at this matchup, the Recliners won’t need much as the Invalids are going to struggle to put 60 on the board any given week. All I need to say is Saquon Barkley (predicted to score 21 against Houston) and Tyreek Hill (predicted for 14 against Cleveland). Game over.

Take the Recliners and 20.